Memories

 

Memories 

Almost 10 pm here, and I am exhausted to the extreme. It has been an almost 17 hrs of awake time from break of dawn until now, doing the last important part of day, putting my children to bed and gently hold them both under my wings, as I sing kirtan Sohila to them. 

As I lie down, watching their innocent faces, my heart says a thousand prayers of protection and comfort.. and as I slowly stepped out of their room, closing the door behind, I remembered a time when they were part of me, when I carried them in me, those divine months. 

Pregnancy is a phase where  every mother has a unique journey. It has left me with treasure to cherish forever. I feel its that phase of my this life’s journey that transformed me every single second that a life grew in me. Those months where I knew my children exclusively and more than anyone else would ever know them. Each moment was a rosary bead where a relationship was presented to me with a depth, purity and sincerity like I had never experienced before. Friendships, relationships are formed over time- but the relationship with this two souls was presented fully formed and in its highest attainable state, from the moment they breathed in me. There are changes that a body experiences, and then there are changes that are imprinted on a mind and a soul. Body’s memories of pregnancy fade with time but slow transformation of a soul with another soul being nurtured in unison is a process that is divine! रूह में मेरी तेरी रूह का एहसास … 

I vividly remember some moments where I would be so calm, and meditative as if I am floating in some outer space, often in silence of night, with my hands on my belly feeling their movements, touching a touch thats deeper than anything tangible. I remember the feelings, that would sometimes not make sense at all. A wave of old soul’s resignation in a 30 year old body - what was it that I would experience? I had no answers just an experience that seemed alien, but I knew was meant only for me. A gift of a life time. 

We talk of empathy, of understanding between two humans … hard to attain … but so profound and transformative when this other human happens to grow in you. You and I lose its boundaries. I would spontaneously break into Waheguru Waheguru… thats the only way I knew to protect my to be born children with what they were experiencing and comforting them I am here, I will be there when they come in this world. 

A tiny body thats forming, thats growing in me, after all had ‘ janams’ worth of memories- some comforting some not so much, and I was experiencing the feelings without a hint of memory. 

How amazing was this appreciation and privilege! 

I lived guarding this temple. Even my thoughts had a filter to cross, of a new relationship I was being transformed into - mother.

What I eat, what I speak, what I read, what I think, who I see, what I see, what I interpret - there was a Manpreet before that existed and a new Manpreet that was forming. With a child, a mother is born too… pregnacy was a birth of new me, in its own way.. I connected with the world a predictable way, but its how I connected with these souls housed in me, that has left me with memories that are sacred and eternal !